Starting with the early game and working our way forwards:
Ravens - Titans
Sometimes when two teams get together and its a low scoring game people say that it was a defensive struggle. People would certainly say that about this game. I would not be one of those people though. This was an offensive struggle. This was a struggle to keep me interested. If I were CBS I would have cut to pictures of hot chicks dancing in between plays just to pique people's interests. Now I understand why people gamble on games that they don't have a natural rooting interest in.
I can't even sum up what happened for you, simply because I don't think anything did happen. Each team had the ball, failed to move anywhere, and then punted. The game winning FG wasn't exciting because it happened late in the game, but more because someone had the ball close enough to actually kick a FG.
A lot of people have likened this run by the Ravens to their title run in 2000 because they win with defense, because they beat the Titans on the way to the title, and because Ray Lewis threatened to hurt them if they didn't. I however liken it to that title run because that was the most boring Super Bowl I remember watching. Just mind numbingly bad. That and beating Kerry Collins.
Cardinals - Panthers
Back by popular demand (and by that I mean, I liked it, so I'm bringing it back) we look at the Cardinals game through the thoughts of their backup QB, Matt Leinart.
Jonathan Stewart opens the scoring with a 7-yd TD run - Matt thinks - I wonder which Carolina we're in.
Cardinals tie the game at 7 after a Kurt Warner 3-yd TD pass to Tim Hightower - Matt thinks - Nothing actually. He was asleep on the bench when this happened, but the sound from his teammates cheering woke him up.
Edgerrin James puts the Cardinals up for good, 14-7, following a 4-yd TD run - Matt thinks - Did Edge play for USC like me? I think maybe I remember he and I were teammates before this.
Jake Delhomme opens the second quarter with an interception - Matt thinks - I could have thrown that interception. Piece of cake.
Jake Delhomme throws his second interception - Matt thinks - if this guy's a starter, I should be able to get a job starting somewhere too. I mean really. I can throw 2 picks in a game.
Jake Delhomme throws his third interception, just minutes after a Kurt Warner INT - Matt thinks - I'm heading over to the Panthers sideline right now. They could really use me right now.
Jake Delhomme throws his fourth pick of the game - Matt thinks - Again, Matt was asleep. He was going to go over to become a Panther, but couldn't figure out how to cross the field during the game, so he gave up.
Jake Delhomme throws his fifth pick - Matt thinks - That's four interceptions. Even I never did that.
Jake Delhomme throws a meaningless TD to get his team within 20 points - Matt thinks - Well I guess they don't need me anymore. Too bad we couldn't have won this game. I would have really liked a chance to sell an NFC Title ring.
OTHER HEADLINES
- Utah finishes the season ranked #2 in AP polls. So people honestly believe that Utah would beat USC, Texas, Oklahoma, Penn State, Ohio State, etc.? Forget a plus-one system to determine champion, I want one to prove once and for all that just because a non-BCS team like Utah beats Alabama and finishes undefeated, doesn't mean they're better than everyone else or even Alabama. On that same point, TCU is ranked above the co-Big Ten Champs, which simply makes no sense. How can a team that's only game against a legitimately ranked team (sorry Boise State, you didn't beat anyone either) was a 35-10 loss to Oklahoma be considered a top-10 team. Stupid. Seriously, that's just stupid.
- Adam "Pacman" Jones believes that even though he was cut by the Cowboys that his playing days in Dallas aren't over. He's right. I believe Dallas does have an Arena team and he'd be a perfect fit on that squad.
- Rod Marinelli gets a job as the D-Line coach for the Bears. Apparently in those two games the Bears played against they Lions this year they must have been really impressed by the way Lions' D-Line attacked. It's good to know that someone saw something positive about how the Lions played this year, because I was beginning to think no one would. In a related note, Staples still has no interest in hiring Rod Marinelli, but the manager was quoted as saying "we wish Rod the best of luck in his future endeavors, however, we can't understand why anyone thinks he has any marketable skills. "
Sunday, January 11, 2009
Friday, January 9, 2009
BCS TITLE!!
After months and months of hype it was finally time to hit the gridiron and settle things. Florida vs. Oklahoma. SEC vs. Big 12. Deep South vs. America's Heartland. Meyer vs. Stoops. Tebow vs. Bradford. Heisman winner vs. Heisman winner. Speed vs. Power. Blue State (this time at least) vs. Red State. Gainsville vs. Norman. Albert the Alligator vs. a stagecoach. "The Orange and Blue" vs. "Boomer Sooner." Emmitt Smith vs. Adrian Peterson. Bob Vila vs. Van Heflin. Gators vs. Sooners. Number 1 vs. Number 2. It all comes down to this. A game for the ages and and a game that will change lives and change history. The BCS Title Game!!
Florida won. USC is still the best though.
OTHER NEWS
- Brett Favre is planning on waiting a few weeks to decide his future in the NFL. I don't even see why he bothered to announce this seeing as how it doesn't matter what he says anyways since he'll almost certainly change his mind a few times and then decide he can't live without football and will become the starting QB for the Toronto Argonauts next season. And he'll cry.
- Eddy Curry returns to the Knicks, but his return isn't enough to spurn the team to victory, as they drop a heartbreaker to the Mavs, 99-94. Couple things with this one. Umm...Eddy Curry was out? Why? Is it because he's fat, out of shape, and not helpful to a team that likes to run up and down the floor? And along those same lines, why would his return help them at all? Also notice how I said "heartbreaker." That's a cruel pun regarding Eddy Curry's heart condition.
Florida won. USC is still the best though.
OTHER NEWS
- Brett Favre is planning on waiting a few weeks to decide his future in the NFL. I don't even see why he bothered to announce this seeing as how it doesn't matter what he says anyways since he'll almost certainly change his mind a few times and then decide he can't live without football and will become the starting QB for the Toronto Argonauts next season. And he'll cry.
- Eddy Curry returns to the Knicks, but his return isn't enough to spurn the team to victory, as they drop a heartbreaker to the Mavs, 99-94. Couple things with this one. Umm...Eddy Curry was out? Why? Is it because he's fat, out of shape, and not helpful to a team that likes to run up and down the floor? And along those same lines, why would his return help them at all? Also notice how I said "heartbreaker." That's a cruel pun regarding Eddy Curry's heart condition.
Thursday, January 8, 2009
Headlines!!!
Who has the time to read all the major sports headlines and then process all that information? Well besides me, I'd say no one, except for the unemployed and the friendless. Surprisingly, I'm only one of those. I'll let you guess which one. While you ponder it, here's the headlines:
- The Cowboys have cut CB Adam "Pacman" Jones. The team apparently found out that just after he was suspended by the league for a whole year Pacman ordered someone to shoot at someone that he had had an argument with. I guess he should have talked to Marvin Harrison first. That guys not only knows how to beat a rap, but he knows how to do while staying employed and relatively well liked.
- The Browns hire former Jets head coach, Eric Mangini. This makes a lot of sense, since the last time they hired a former Pats assistant head coach things went really well for the team.
- The Celtics lose their 6th game in their last 8 just in time for their big showdown with the Cavs on Friday. The only reason people in New England are panicking is because with the Pats not in the playoffs and the Red Sox still in their offseason, they have to be pissed at someone, thus the freaking out.
- Harvard shocks 24th ranked Boston College, their first win ever over a ranked team. I'd repeat the hilarious line from Ralph Wiggum about beating the smart kids when his diorama beats those of Lisa and Allison. But the students at BC are smart kids, so it doesn't really work here.
- The Cowboys have cut CB Adam "Pacman" Jones. The team apparently found out that just after he was suspended by the league for a whole year Pacman ordered someone to shoot at someone that he had had an argument with. I guess he should have talked to Marvin Harrison first. That guys not only knows how to beat a rap, but he knows how to do while staying employed and relatively well liked.
- The Browns hire former Jets head coach, Eric Mangini. This makes a lot of sense, since the last time they hired a former Pats assistant head coach things went really well for the team.
- The Celtics lose their 6th game in their last 8 just in time for their big showdown with the Cavs on Friday. The only reason people in New England are panicking is because with the Pats not in the playoffs and the Red Sox still in their offseason, they have to be pissed at someone, thus the freaking out.
- Harvard shocks 24th ranked Boston College, their first win ever over a ranked team. I'd repeat the hilarious line from Ralph Wiggum about beating the smart kids when his diorama beats those of Lisa and Allison. But the students at BC are smart kids, so it doesn't really work here.
Wednesday, January 7, 2009
FIESTA!!
Perhaps you watched Monday's Fiesta Bowl. Well if you didn't, thankfully for you, I am here to recap it for you in all its glory. I will accept a fruit basket as thanks. Just e-mail it to me.
FIESTA BOWL
I hope you had a big bag of hint of lime Tostitos on hand for this one, because they're delicious. I used to have a big bag of Tostitos on hand while watching the Fiesta Bowl after I received a free sample of their Tostitos Gold chips at the 2003 National Title Game. The Buckeyes won and thus my love affair with Tostitos began. Then the Buckeyes went back there in 2007 and Florida kicked their butt. And now Texas beat them this year, so I say fuck you Tostitos. I do it myself.
What a storybook ending to the game though. In fact, its so much of a storybook ending that you can actually buy the storybook now. The book is called "How Colt Hooked the Bucks." This game was also such a storybook ending that even though Texas didn't get that first down on 4th and 3 on the game winning drive, they gave it to them anyways. Not because the refs like Texas better, but because a title for the book had already been written after the third quarter and they had already started filling orders on Amazon, so tough shit Buckeyes. Plus "Buck You, ESPN for saying we suck" was simply not an appealing title for a storybook.
Little know fact about Texas' hero Colt McCoy. He was actually recruited to be the Texas QB as soon as his parents filed his birth certificate. The school though his name was such a perfect fit for the QB at Texas that they just had to have him. The coach at the time, Fred Akers, offered the baby a scholarship just five days after Colt's birth. Colt only gave a verbal commitment, obviously, but his future was set in stone right then.
You might think Colt has the perfect QB name, however, a recent ESPN.com poll asking who had the perfect QB name had Colt placing second. The results were as follows (in reverse order, to build suspense): Sonny Sixkiller (Washington QB in the 70's), Joe Bradley (nearly lead the California Univ. Condors to the Rose Bowl, before having to quit the team due to a heart condition), Johnny Handsome (Joe Montana's backup at Notre Dame), Colt McCoy, and Blondie McWhitey (he's still in high school, but everyone wants him because everyone wants a blonde white boy QB).
OTHER NEWS BULLETINS
- Even though it was Marvin Harrison's gun that was fired at a guy near Marvin Harrison's bar and Marvin Harrison's car wash and even though Marvin Harrison had got into a fist fight with the guy who was shot by Marvin Harrison's gun, apparently the Philly DA didn't have enough evidence to file charges against Marvin Harrison. I guess that makes sense.
- The Attorney General of Utah is looking into whether the BCS violates antitrust law. First of all, sports are exempt from antitrust laws. Even I know that. Second of all, sounds like sour grapes. Third of all, I think its time to find a new AG for Utah because this guy is wasting taxpayer money big time.
- Apparently new Yankee 1B Mark Teixeira decided to go to NYC because his wife said he should. I don't even have a joke here. That's funny enough on its own. What a pussy whipped mother fucker. Can't wait until she here's the Yankee faithful boo him soundly for grounding into an inning ending double play. Then she'll feel good I bet. Mark will have to pay A-Rod money too, because that's his trademark play.
FIESTA BOWL
I hope you had a big bag of hint of lime Tostitos on hand for this one, because they're delicious. I used to have a big bag of Tostitos on hand while watching the Fiesta Bowl after I received a free sample of their Tostitos Gold chips at the 2003 National Title Game. The Buckeyes won and thus my love affair with Tostitos began. Then the Buckeyes went back there in 2007 and Florida kicked their butt. And now Texas beat them this year, so I say fuck you Tostitos. I do it myself.
What a storybook ending to the game though. In fact, its so much of a storybook ending that you can actually buy the storybook now. The book is called "How Colt Hooked the Bucks." This game was also such a storybook ending that even though Texas didn't get that first down on 4th and 3 on the game winning drive, they gave it to them anyways. Not because the refs like Texas better, but because a title for the book had already been written after the third quarter and they had already started filling orders on Amazon, so tough shit Buckeyes. Plus "Buck You, ESPN for saying we suck" was simply not an appealing title for a storybook.
Little know fact about Texas' hero Colt McCoy. He was actually recruited to be the Texas QB as soon as his parents filed his birth certificate. The school though his name was such a perfect fit for the QB at Texas that they just had to have him. The coach at the time, Fred Akers, offered the baby a scholarship just five days after Colt's birth. Colt only gave a verbal commitment, obviously, but his future was set in stone right then.
You might think Colt has the perfect QB name, however, a recent ESPN.com poll asking who had the perfect QB name had Colt placing second. The results were as follows (in reverse order, to build suspense): Sonny Sixkiller (Washington QB in the 70's), Joe Bradley (nearly lead the California Univ. Condors to the Rose Bowl, before having to quit the team due to a heart condition), Johnny Handsome (Joe Montana's backup at Notre Dame), Colt McCoy, and Blondie McWhitey (he's still in high school, but everyone wants him because everyone wants a blonde white boy QB).
OTHER NEWS BULLETINS
- Even though it was Marvin Harrison's gun that was fired at a guy near Marvin Harrison's bar and Marvin Harrison's car wash and even though Marvin Harrison had got into a fist fight with the guy who was shot by Marvin Harrison's gun, apparently the Philly DA didn't have enough evidence to file charges against Marvin Harrison. I guess that makes sense.
- The Attorney General of Utah is looking into whether the BCS violates antitrust law. First of all, sports are exempt from antitrust laws. Even I know that. Second of all, sounds like sour grapes. Third of all, I think its time to find a new AG for Utah because this guy is wasting taxpayer money big time.
- Apparently new Yankee 1B Mark Teixeira decided to go to NYC because his wife said he should. I don't even have a joke here. That's funny enough on its own. What a pussy whipped mother fucker. Can't wait until she here's the Yankee faithful boo him soundly for grounding into an inning ending double play. Then she'll feel good I bet. Mark will have to pay A-Rod money too, because that's his trademark play.
Monday, January 5, 2009
NFL Playoffs!!! MORE!
I shall now break down the two playoff games in a manner which will fill you with shock, awe, and a little gas. Sorry about that last one. Just blame the person in the cubicle next to you. No one likes them anyways.
Ravens - Dolphins
Not really much of a game here, not that you'd be surprised, since Ray Lewis once tried to kill someone. The most efficient passer in the history of the NFL, Chad Pennington (ask a Jet fan if they believe that), didn't quite have a day that lived up to the NFL Comeback Player of the Year award he just received, so they actually asked him to give it back at the end of the game. He cried because of that. Poor guy. Well at least his teammates like him, unlike a certain other AFC East QB playing in NJ on a team called NY. The Ravens D was of course as ferocious as usual and thus the poor Dolphins had no chance. The Dolphins pulled out all the stops to try and win. After the Wildcat offense failed they turned to the Mountain Lion offense, and then the Bengal Tiger, and then creepy animated cat from the Paula Abdul video who likes to smoke offense. Nothing worked. They actually lined up with 12 players on offense for two consecutive drives late in the third quarter. The first was a three and out. The second ended with Pennington throwing one of his thirty interceptions on the day.
Eagles - Vikings
Tavaris Jackson cemented his status as the QB most unsuited for playoff play as the Vikings got whooped up on by the Eagles. In a game pitting Andy Reid against his less fat evil twin Brad Childress ( this guy totally should play the financial adviser to a Bond villain), Donovan McNabb managed to do a couple of things well, but most importantly, he didn't puke on the field at any time. Perhaps he's saving that for next week's matchup against the NY Football Giants (I put football in there so you wouldn't be confused with the NY Baseball Giants who don't exist anymore and haven't existed since 1957 and also play a different sport). In related news, I feel bad for Adrian Peterson who will no doubt suffer a career ending injury while wasting his time playing for the Vikings, when he could be playing on a team with a QB who can actually throw the ball well. Perhaps his team will trade up to draft Tim Tebow.
A COUPLE OF OTHER NEWS THINGS
- The head coach of Boston College, who's name I can't pronounce or spell, is apparently considering interviewing for the Jets job even though he'll get fired from his current one if he does. Not a smart move in this economy, buddy. Also, if you're going to get fired, shouldn't it be for something awesome like strangling a referee after a game instead of interviewing for a new job you won't get? I'm just saying here is all.
- Bill Cowher has taken his phone off the hook so as to make sure people won't continue calling him about their vacant head coaching jobs. Apparently coaching a mediocre team for lots of money is unappealing to him. I, however, am more than willing to do so, in case anyone is interested. In related news, former Lions coach Rod Marinelli checked to see if his phone was still on the hook 8 times and checked his voice mail 15 times yesterday. However, no one has even considered calling him about any job. Not even the one he applied for at Staples. When asked for comment, the manager of that Staples said "we don't hire losers at Staples." Really?
Ravens - Dolphins
Not really much of a game here, not that you'd be surprised, since Ray Lewis once tried to kill someone. The most efficient passer in the history of the NFL, Chad Pennington (ask a Jet fan if they believe that), didn't quite have a day that lived up to the NFL Comeback Player of the Year award he just received, so they actually asked him to give it back at the end of the game. He cried because of that. Poor guy. Well at least his teammates like him, unlike a certain other AFC East QB playing in NJ on a team called NY. The Ravens D was of course as ferocious as usual and thus the poor Dolphins had no chance. The Dolphins pulled out all the stops to try and win. After the Wildcat offense failed they turned to the Mountain Lion offense, and then the Bengal Tiger, and then creepy animated cat from the Paula Abdul video who likes to smoke offense. Nothing worked. They actually lined up with 12 players on offense for two consecutive drives late in the third quarter. The first was a three and out. The second ended with Pennington throwing one of his thirty interceptions on the day.
Eagles - Vikings
Tavaris Jackson cemented his status as the QB most unsuited for playoff play as the Vikings got whooped up on by the Eagles. In a game pitting Andy Reid against his less fat evil twin Brad Childress ( this guy totally should play the financial adviser to a Bond villain), Donovan McNabb managed to do a couple of things well, but most importantly, he didn't puke on the field at any time. Perhaps he's saving that for next week's matchup against the NY Football Giants (I put football in there so you wouldn't be confused with the NY Baseball Giants who don't exist anymore and haven't existed since 1957 and also play a different sport). In related news, I feel bad for Adrian Peterson who will no doubt suffer a career ending injury while wasting his time playing for the Vikings, when he could be playing on a team with a QB who can actually throw the ball well. Perhaps his team will trade up to draft Tim Tebow.
A COUPLE OF OTHER NEWS THINGS
- The head coach of Boston College, who's name I can't pronounce or spell, is apparently considering interviewing for the Jets job even though he'll get fired from his current one if he does. Not a smart move in this economy, buddy. Also, if you're going to get fired, shouldn't it be for something awesome like strangling a referee after a game instead of interviewing for a new job you won't get? I'm just saying here is all.
- Bill Cowher has taken his phone off the hook so as to make sure people won't continue calling him about their vacant head coaching jobs. Apparently coaching a mediocre team for lots of money is unappealing to him. I, however, am more than willing to do so, in case anyone is interested. In related news, former Lions coach Rod Marinelli checked to see if his phone was still on the hook 8 times and checked his voice mail 15 times yesterday. However, no one has even considered calling him about any job. Not even the one he applied for at Staples. When asked for comment, the manager of that Staples said "we don't hire losers at Staples." Really?
Sunday, January 4, 2009
NFL Playoffs!!
Before we begin, just a quick explanation of what you'll get here, since this is my first post. Basically I thought it might be interesting to break down the top stories of the day in the world of sports, but without using facts or reasoning skills to do so. We'll see what happens.
Two games on the slate today. Two more reasons for people to gamble their families futures away simply to make watching a football game slightly more enticing.
Two games on the slate today. Two more reasons for people to gamble their families futures away simply to make watching a football game slightly more enticing.
Falcons - Cardinals
I could break this down for you, but wouldn't you rather hear the thoughts that crossed the mind of Cards backup QB Matt Leinart as this game unfolded? I thought so.
Kurt Warner throws 42-yd TD pass to Larry Fitzgerald - Matt thinks - That guy's old enough to be my dad. Actually he might be old enough to be my grandfather. But he's better than I'll ever be.
Kurt Warner throws 71-yd TD pass to Anquan Boldin - Matt thinks - That old guy used to be bagging groceries to help pay his bills. I used to be bagging two or three super hot chicks at once. Is that ironic? Guess I should have paid attention in school. Now if I get injured I'll have to bag groceries to pay the bills. That's ironic, right?
Matt Ryan throws 2-yd TD pass to Justin Peelle - Matt thinks - I wonder if anyone would call the cops to go and find me if I started acting funny like Vince Young did?
Antrel Rolle recovers a fumble and takes it 27 yds for a TD - Matt thinks - If every Cardinals game next year was on Monday Night Football, how many games would it take for me to be a part of ESPN's delightful feature, For Love or the Game? And since I don't have a wife or a girlfriend could I have my favorite stripper from my local after hours Gentleman's Club participate?
Game ends and the stadium announcer says "thanks for joining us at University of Phoenix Stadium" - Matt thinks - I wonder if the chicks at the University of Phoenix are hot? I should check out their campus tomorrow.
Colts - Chargers
The backups for these teams aren't nearly as funny as Matt Leinart, so I'll actually talk about the game a little here. I wasn't really watching the game that much so you'll have to excuse me if some of my accoutn of the game is a bit inaccurate. However, that is what I was going for, so I take that back.
The game started normally enough. Peyton Manning and the Colts got the usual 5 or 6 calls that went their way thanks to Peyton being the face of the league and for not telling anyone what he saw Paul Taglibue doing after the Super Bowl seven years ago. They even got the league to break LT's groin simply to get him out of the game. However, the Chargers had planned for this and had on hand a midget that they could put in the game to run circles around the significantly taller players of the Colts. It was like that time they put in that midget to play baseball and he got walked on four pitches because he was so short and then went on to bite the ankles of the first baseman and was ejected. The Chargers midget didn't bite anyone, in fact he was significantly more successful. He accounted for all the yards the Chargers had in the game, even the ones that were gained before he entered the game. However, it wasn't enough and the game finished tied. Both teams were tired though and it was late and they all wanted to get out and enjoy the club scene in San Diego so they decided to play Rock Paper Scissors to determine the winner. Peyton chose scissors (which he later used to cut that meat!!) while the midget chose to bite Peyton's hand. It started to bleed and so he couldn't continue and thus the Chargers won.
The game started normally enough. Peyton Manning and the Colts got the usual 5 or 6 calls that went their way thanks to Peyton being the face of the league and for not telling anyone what he saw Paul Taglibue doing after the Super Bowl seven years ago. They even got the league to break LT's groin simply to get him out of the game. However, the Chargers had planned for this and had on hand a midget that they could put in the game to run circles around the significantly taller players of the Colts. It was like that time they put in that midget to play baseball and he got walked on four pitches because he was so short and then went on to bite the ankles of the first baseman and was ejected. The Chargers midget didn't bite anyone, in fact he was significantly more successful. He accounted for all the yards the Chargers had in the game, even the ones that were gained before he entered the game. However, it wasn't enough and the game finished tied. Both teams were tired though and it was late and they all wanted to get out and enjoy the club scene in San Diego so they decided to play Rock Paper Scissors to determine the winner. Peyton chose scissors (which he later used to cut that meat!!) while the midget chose to bite Peyton's hand. It started to bleed and so he couldn't continue and thus the Chargers won.
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